i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
