Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
We're not piercing ourselves today.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
