We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
