Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
