I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
