I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
