just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
