I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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