apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
