So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
