i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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