Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
