this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
