you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
