I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
