This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
