office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
