Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
