I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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