The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
