i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
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