I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
