And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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