I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
