By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
