you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
