just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
