Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
