She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
