my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
