When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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