I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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