the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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