remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
