i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
