I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm having to shit out rocks
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
