just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
there is glitter all over my balls
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
