I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
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