I wish my penis had an off switch
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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