We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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