there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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