morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
