Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Randomize
