Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
