I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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