Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
