True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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