Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
