I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
