we have pet lesbian snakes
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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