His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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