If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
