The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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